What "Her" Taught Me About Relationships

*Warning: If you haven't seen "Her," this definitely has spoilers.*

This is the second in a group of posts about this film

Theodore's ex-wife tells him that he always wanted her to be "light and happy" in their relationship. It makes perfect sense. We want our significant other to be the ideal, a construct of our imaginations and day dreams, someone who acts exactly as we need them to. In essence, we need them to be infallible.

But Jonze reminds us that no one is infallible and if we expect anyone to be, we are going to be met with disappointment and sadness. Theodore expects Samantha to be with him and only him, but he later discovers that she's in love with another 600 something people. To Theodore, love is singular. To Samantha, love is a human emotion that can multiplied and the number of people she loves will never take away the amount that she loves Theodore. Samantha says something along the lines of, "The heart's not a box you fill up. It expands in size the more you love." Jonze perfectly encapsulates what a relationship actually is in this exchange: a series of moments where each person discovers their differences are connected. 

Samantha is right. Love is an emotion that can be multiplied. Theodore is confusing love for romantic love, a common mistake that carries consequences. Wikipedia tell us that love is:

a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes that ranges from interpersonal affection ("I love my mother") to pleasure ("I loved that meal"). It can refer to an emotion of a strong attraction and personal attachment. It can also be a virtue representing human kindness, compassion, and affection—"the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another".

Sure, Samantha feels a personal attachment to Theodore and is concerned for his well-being, but why does he get to decide that Samantha's love for him is singular? Samantha is very grey while Theodore is black and white. 

But this is the beauty of their relationship. Samantha reminds us that technically we're all the same: we're all made of matter. So logically, what should attract us to one another is not only all of our similarities, but the nuances that make us different groupings of our core construction.

Theodore writes incredibly heartfelt and moving letters for his job: physical representations of love. The reason why Crown Point Publishing's editor loved Theodore's book of letters (or rather Samantha's submission) is because in any representation of love, we can find something of ourselves. Just because someone or something is different than us in any category doesn't mean that there can't be something within them that reminds us of ourselves.

In our relationships with others, we should desire difference. Not so much that we can't agree on anything, but enough that together we create a spectrum of likes, dislikes, opinions, and ideas. An infallible person is exactly what we don't need. 

At the end of the film, I think the Jonze has Theodore realize this point when he writes a final letter to his ex-wife. He says, "They'll be a piece of you in me always. Whatever someone you become and wherever you are in the world, I'll love you always." 

Even though their relationship didn't last, his love for her did because she created new thoughts within him and helped him expand the gray area we grow over the courses of our lives. If that growth occurs, the relationship most definitely holds worth. 

If we desire differences, our differences will become desired. 

Reflections on "Her"

*Warning: If you haven't seen "Her," this definitely has spoilers.*

This is the first of a group of posts about this film

I honestly I have no idea what I want to say about "Her." Tonight I saw the film for a second time, and I am still utterly confused about the questions it poses and the spectrum of emotions that arose in me before, during, and after the second viewing. Because it was my second time seeing the film, I decided to jot some notes in the lovely pink glow of the movie.

Obsessed with this hue

My favorite idea that Jonze presents in the movie is that in every moment we are evolving. Samantha, Theodore Twombly's OS, has this great quote that she's summarized from Alan Watts, a British philosopher: "None of us are the same we were a moment ago and we shouldn't try to be. It's too painful." Theo himself experiences this pain of trying to be something he's not anymore after Samantha attempts to use a sex surrogate as a way to mend their relationship when he says, "I don't like who I am right now. I need some time to think."

Samantha evolves endlessly in the movie, so much so that she and the other OSes decide to leave their human companions. She can't handle the feelings she and the other OSes struggle to understand and in turn, I assume, they see that maybe their human counterparts can't either. That is why they leave. And because they collectively experience an endless human consciousness that allows them to do whatever they please, they choose to be somewhere other than our reality that we reside in as human beings. Samantha explains where she is going to in her last words to Theodore: 

"It's like I'm writing a book... and it's a book I deeply love. But I'm writing it slowly now. So the words are really far apart and the spaces between the words are almost infinite. I can still feel you... and the words of our story... but it's in this endless space between the words that I'm finding myself now. It's a place that's not of the physical world. It's where everything else is that I didn't even know existed. I love you so much. But this is where I am now. And this who I am now. And I need you to let me go. As much as I want to, I can't live your book any more."

Samantha gets to go to this place outside of reality, a gray area so to speak, and Theodore has to stay in this now where he is both happy and unhappy with himself and the reality he faces on an almost ever-changing basis. While where Samantha is going seems complex to me, her choice almost seems easier because it comes with options embedded within it. Theodore is left with his one choice: his reality and the future that follows it. 

I think this idea connects beautifully to my other favorite Theodore quote from the movie: "Sometimes I think I've felt everything I'm going to feel." He expects to feel nothing new, only lesser versions of what he has already felt. While we do evolve constantly, isn't there a sense of recycling in our day to day actions in an attempt to repeat what we have enjoyed from our previous experiences and to gain what we desire most?

Theodore even says, "I don't know what I want ever. I'm just so confused." We desire so much that, in my opinion, we can never focus on exactly what we want. And Amy Adam's character, Amy, sort of encapsulates her attitude on this idea of unfocused desires when she says, "We're only here briefly. And while we're here, I wanna allow myself joy. So fuck it." As humans, there is so much to focus on and so much lost when we choose our focuses for our current reality. Even when we reflect on the time we spend doing things we know are "bad" for us, like staying up late to talk with friends until 4 AM, blowing off a homework assignment to attend a concert, spending an absurd amount of money on cupcakes, we need to remember that in those moments that is what brought us joy, the ultimate human emotion besides its usual, but not constant, companion: love.

The things we love shaped our past, make up our reality, and decide our future. So, we hope that the things we love provide us with the joy we desire so intensely in every part of our life along the way. Just as his ex-wife shaped him as child, Samantha shaped his reality, and Amy will decide his future (that's my take on the ending), every human that Theodore has loved (in a romantic sense) has drastically changed the path of his life in every aspect. 

In my life right now, I wish I was Samantha. She got it easy. She had a relationship with Theodore, got to know him intensely, and when she decided it was time to leave because her emotions were too much, she could. If I got to leave this reality when my emotions were too much, I would have left years ago. We all probably would have left. But as Jonze reminds us through Theodore's struggles, we are evolving constantly and we are not always the people we want to be. But, that doesn't change the fact that at any moment, we could be the person we want to be.

I apologize if this makes no sense, I am hoping to understand how I feel about this movie on a deeper level. Comments are welcome and more posts are to come soon.