I like to do this really cool thing where I lie awake for an hour and a half in my bed before I go to sleep and replay my life's mistakes until I curl up in a ball and come to the nightly conclusion that reflection that reflection is the best and worse thing you can do for yourself.
I frequently yell-speak embarrassing things outside the student center, a piece of Twizzler fell out of my mouth while I was talking to a boy that's not actually a Neanderthal, my comment during poetry class about William Blake's line structure was too simple, the list could go on.
It is so easy to remind yourself of these things and then construct how your life would ideally play out. In fact, it is hard to believe that reality turns out any other way than what you've created in your head.
When everything is calculated, we are comfortable. We know what to expect, how to act, what to say to derive the end result we desire. And so when we are thrown off by reality, our responses are jerky, full of mistakes, and regretted instantaneously.
Of course, I wish that everything that came out of my mouth was calculated. I'd probably be successful in my endeavors, be happy, and maybe even have avoided scaring off every member of the opposite sex in a 5 mile radius. But when we live in our heads, we ignore all of the possibilities that come from living through action and reaction.
Instead of thinking about my mistakes tonight, maybe I'll fantasize about everything good that could possibly happen to me. I'll reflect upon what I really want, or even better, what I really need, and I'll make it happen in my head. At least it's happening somewhere.
I'll be settling for action and reaction in reality for now. Something good has to come out of it eventually, right?
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