Sally Mann's Lecture and Why My Life Revolves Around Death

Two evenings ago I had the great pleasure and unbelievable opportunity to listen to a lecture by Sally Mann, an American photographer whose work focuses on death and decay. Going into the lecture, I was prepared to listen for two hours about how she processed her photos and what her subjects were.

Instead, I was privy to a reading of her memoir, the last 10,000 words to be exact, a deeply thoughtful section that worked its way through discussing the death of her parents, the discoveries of her family history, and her reflections on her work as a whole. During her lecture, Mann was no longer just a photographer, but a human on the deepest level: reflective, emotional, and raw.

Sitting next to the lovely Anam Merchant in the second row

Death has been more of a prominent subject in my life since the beginning of this school year. It's something I never really gave much thought to in high school. But as I've begun to form new friendships and cultivate even more knowledge in my classes, there seems like there is so much to lose the further I move forward in life.

One of my favorite quotes from the evening that Sally said is, "Death as an artistic theme always presents as a self-portrait." Even if we try to create with loss in mind, it always relates back to how we sense things, perceive things, and reflect. 

When I write, I write for myself first. I'm sure this will change as I continue to progress as a writer, but I've always thought as art as more selfish than selfless. Art is what we leave behind for others to remember us by. As much as none of us want to be judged by what stays when we leave, it is inevitable. Mann quoted Ezra's Pound's Canto 81 during her talk, which fits well with the idea judgement after death: 

What thou lovest well remains, 

                                           the rest is dross 

What thou lov'st well shall not be reft from thee 

What thou lov'st well is thy true heritage 

Whose world, or mine or theirs 

                           or is it of none? 

What we love will remain: our art, our relationships, our words. Death is supposed to trivialize everything, but does it ever really do this? I think that it expands everything. When we are faced with death, we should follow Mann's other important assertion that our lives should be spent be trying to get better at living, loving, and seeing. And so when we create anything, especially with death in mind, we are expanding ourselves in the best way possible.

Death fascinates me and I think that it is quite unfortunate that the only way we can experience death is through mourning. It is an unthinkable event we cannot pass through. But that makes death this great theme to create around. Lots of great things come from ambiguity, from grayness, from the gap between what we know and what we cannot understand. 

Looking into the future, I can see myself being endlessly inspired by death. I've always wanted to know who would come to my funeral, what words would be said, what people would remember about me, the photos that would hang on the poster board at the memorial service. But I don't think I'll ever write about those things. I think I'll write about how we face death everything day, what it means to grieve, and when we decide that we are ready to leave. As Proust reminds us, "It is grief that develops the powers of the mind."

What "Her" Taught Me About Relationships

*Warning: If you haven't seen "Her," this definitely has spoilers.*

This is the second in a group of posts about this film

Theodore's ex-wife tells him that he always wanted her to be "light and happy" in their relationship. It makes perfect sense. We want our significant other to be the ideal, a construct of our imaginations and day dreams, someone who acts exactly as we need them to. In essence, we need them to be infallible.

But Jonze reminds us that no one is infallible and if we expect anyone to be, we are going to be met with disappointment and sadness. Theodore expects Samantha to be with him and only him, but he later discovers that she's in love with another 600 something people. To Theodore, love is singular. To Samantha, love is a human emotion that can multiplied and the number of people she loves will never take away the amount that she loves Theodore. Samantha says something along the lines of, "The heart's not a box you fill up. It expands in size the more you love." Jonze perfectly encapsulates what a relationship actually is in this exchange: a series of moments where each person discovers their differences are connected. 

Samantha is right. Love is an emotion that can be multiplied. Theodore is confusing love for romantic love, a common mistake that carries consequences. Wikipedia tell us that love is:

a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes that ranges from interpersonal affection ("I love my mother") to pleasure ("I loved that meal"). It can refer to an emotion of a strong attraction and personal attachment. It can also be a virtue representing human kindness, compassion, and affection—"the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another".

Sure, Samantha feels a personal attachment to Theodore and is concerned for his well-being, but why does he get to decide that Samantha's love for him is singular? Samantha is very grey while Theodore is black and white. 

But this is the beauty of their relationship. Samantha reminds us that technically we're all the same: we're all made of matter. So logically, what should attract us to one another is not only all of our similarities, but the nuances that make us different groupings of our core construction.

Theodore writes incredibly heartfelt and moving letters for his job: physical representations of love. The reason why Crown Point Publishing's editor loved Theodore's book of letters (or rather Samantha's submission) is because in any representation of love, we can find something of ourselves. Just because someone or something is different than us in any category doesn't mean that there can't be something within them that reminds us of ourselves.

In our relationships with others, we should desire difference. Not so much that we can't agree on anything, but enough that together we create a spectrum of likes, dislikes, opinions, and ideas. An infallible person is exactly what we don't need. 

At the end of the film, I think the Jonze has Theodore realize this point when he writes a final letter to his ex-wife. He says, "They'll be a piece of you in me always. Whatever someone you become and wherever you are in the world, I'll love you always." 

Even though their relationship didn't last, his love for her did because she created new thoughts within him and helped him expand the gray area we grow over the courses of our lives. If that growth occurs, the relationship most definitely holds worth. 

If we desire differences, our differences will become desired. 

Thinking Is Worse Than Being

I like to do this really cool thing where I lie awake for an hour and a half in my bed before I go to sleep and replay my life's mistakes until I curl up in a ball and come to the nightly conclusion that reflection that reflection is the best and worse thing you can do for yourself.

I frequently yell-speak embarrassing things outside the student center, a piece of Twizzler fell out of my mouth while I was talking to a boy that's not actually a Neanderthal, my comment during poetry class about William Blake's line structure was too simple, the list could go on.

It is so easy to remind yourself of these things and then construct how your life would ideally play out. In fact, it is hard to believe that reality turns out any other way than what you've created in your head.

When everything is calculated, we are comfortable. We know what to expect, how to act, what to say to derive the end result we desire. And so when we are thrown off by reality, our responses are jerky, full of mistakes, and regretted instantaneously.

Of course, I wish that everything that came out of my mouth was calculated. I'd probably be successful in my endeavors, be happy, and maybe even have avoided scaring off every member of the opposite sex in a 5 mile radius. But when we live in our heads, we ignore all of the possibilities that come from living through action and reaction.

Instead of thinking about my mistakes tonight, maybe I'll fantasize about everything good that could possibly happen to me. I'll reflect upon what I really want, or even better, what I really need, and I'll make it happen in my head. At least it's happening somewhere. 

I'll be settling for action and reaction in reality for now. Something good has to come out of it eventually, right? 

What It Means to Change For Others

Why do we care about what others think of us? What motivates us to change ourselves for others? How do we stop ourselves from altering ourselves too far in case we realize that the changes we made for ourselves aren't the changes we needed at all?

Sometimes we meet new people and we realize they are exactly what we've been looking for, no matter the relationship we desire. You may do anything to make them stay. We've all told ourselves that we won't change for anyone, but there seems to be people that become exceptions to that rule quite easily. 

It is hard to know when changing for someone else is good for you. We are taught that changing for someone means that you're altering your core, your values, your livelihood. But what if the changes they inspire are what we actually need for ourselves?

College is a time for people to screw up big time. It's sort of mandatory. So even though we may think the people we get to know will change us indefinitely, maybe the outcome isn't as bad as we make it out to be. 

When you change for other people, you change because you see something you desire within them. There are so many people I wish to be and so many people I have yet to meet. In the next two quarters at DePaul, I hope I can find new people that will change me as much as they need me to change them.

Reflections on "Her"

*Warning: If you haven't seen "Her," this definitely has spoilers.*

This is the first of a group of posts about this film

I honestly I have no idea what I want to say about "Her." Tonight I saw the film for a second time, and I am still utterly confused about the questions it poses and the spectrum of emotions that arose in me before, during, and after the second viewing. Because it was my second time seeing the film, I decided to jot some notes in the lovely pink glow of the movie.

Obsessed with this hue

My favorite idea that Jonze presents in the movie is that in every moment we are evolving. Samantha, Theodore Twombly's OS, has this great quote that she's summarized from Alan Watts, a British philosopher: "None of us are the same we were a moment ago and we shouldn't try to be. It's too painful." Theo himself experiences this pain of trying to be something he's not anymore after Samantha attempts to use a sex surrogate as a way to mend their relationship when he says, "I don't like who I am right now. I need some time to think."

Samantha evolves endlessly in the movie, so much so that she and the other OSes decide to leave their human companions. She can't handle the feelings she and the other OSes struggle to understand and in turn, I assume, they see that maybe their human counterparts can't either. That is why they leave. And because they collectively experience an endless human consciousness that allows them to do whatever they please, they choose to be somewhere other than our reality that we reside in as human beings. Samantha explains where she is going to in her last words to Theodore: 

"It's like I'm writing a book... and it's a book I deeply love. But I'm writing it slowly now. So the words are really far apart and the spaces between the words are almost infinite. I can still feel you... and the words of our story... but it's in this endless space between the words that I'm finding myself now. It's a place that's not of the physical world. It's where everything else is that I didn't even know existed. I love you so much. But this is where I am now. And this who I am now. And I need you to let me go. As much as I want to, I can't live your book any more."

Samantha gets to go to this place outside of reality, a gray area so to speak, and Theodore has to stay in this now where he is both happy and unhappy with himself and the reality he faces on an almost ever-changing basis. While where Samantha is going seems complex to me, her choice almost seems easier because it comes with options embedded within it. Theodore is left with his one choice: his reality and the future that follows it. 

I think this idea connects beautifully to my other favorite Theodore quote from the movie: "Sometimes I think I've felt everything I'm going to feel." He expects to feel nothing new, only lesser versions of what he has already felt. While we do evolve constantly, isn't there a sense of recycling in our day to day actions in an attempt to repeat what we have enjoyed from our previous experiences and to gain what we desire most?

Theodore even says, "I don't know what I want ever. I'm just so confused." We desire so much that, in my opinion, we can never focus on exactly what we want. And Amy Adam's character, Amy, sort of encapsulates her attitude on this idea of unfocused desires when she says, "We're only here briefly. And while we're here, I wanna allow myself joy. So fuck it." As humans, there is so much to focus on and so much lost when we choose our focuses for our current reality. Even when we reflect on the time we spend doing things we know are "bad" for us, like staying up late to talk with friends until 4 AM, blowing off a homework assignment to attend a concert, spending an absurd amount of money on cupcakes, we need to remember that in those moments that is what brought us joy, the ultimate human emotion besides its usual, but not constant, companion: love.

The things we love shaped our past, make up our reality, and decide our future. So, we hope that the things we love provide us with the joy we desire so intensely in every part of our life along the way. Just as his ex-wife shaped him as child, Samantha shaped his reality, and Amy will decide his future (that's my take on the ending), every human that Theodore has loved (in a romantic sense) has drastically changed the path of his life in every aspect. 

In my life right now, I wish I was Samantha. She got it easy. She had a relationship with Theodore, got to know him intensely, and when she decided it was time to leave because her emotions were too much, she could. If I got to leave this reality when my emotions were too much, I would have left years ago. We all probably would have left. But as Jonze reminds us through Theodore's struggles, we are evolving constantly and we are not always the people we want to be. But, that doesn't change the fact that at any moment, we could be the person we want to be.

I apologize if this makes no sense, I am hoping to understand how I feel about this movie on a deeper level. Comments are welcome and more posts are to come soon. 

A Winter Playlist

Even though my screwed up hands hate me for it, I love being outside in the winter. Taking walks at dusk in the winter time is hands down the best thing you can do for yourself to avoid going crazy from the horrors of never-ending fluorescent lighting and wet socks from when you stepped out of your boots and on to the worst area of wet floor in the history of ever. Below I've cultivated a winter playlist, in no significant order, that I myself I enjoy listening to while I pretend that walking outside in single digit temperatures isn't the equivalent of stabbing my hands with a kitchen knife twenty times over. 

1. Where is My Mind (Cover) - Sunday Girl

2. Your Hand in Mine - Explosions in the Sky

3. School Friends - now, now

4. Is This It - The Strokes

5. Make a Plan to Love Me - Bright Eyes

6. i exist i exist i exist - Flatsound

7. Big Jet Plane - Angus and Julia Stone

8. Sweet Disposition - Temper Trap

9. a small list of things I would normally hide - flatsound

10. The Giving Tree - The Sarcastic Dharma Society

11. The Moon Song - Karen O

12. Nine - La Dispute

The Best of 2013: Thought Catalog Articles

My 2013 Best of Thought Catalog

After I began reading Thought Catalog when I clicked on a tweeted link early last fall, I have read it pretty much religiously. When I saw Matt Saccaro’s piece, I was reminded of all of the TC articles I’d saved in a bookmarks folder entitled “Thought Catalog library.” I really appreciate TC’s mission statement, which can be found in the previously linked articles, because it reminds me that the site isn’t just representative of a yuppy, millennial population and their problems. The list below surely does not convey the scope of the rhetoric and style the site presents, but the below articles are just a few of my favorites picked from my Thought Catalog library and organized by month.

January:

1. I'm a Liberal Who Believes in God: I'm a liberal who doesn't know how they feel about the idea of God. Very informative.
2. Why Does Everything Have to Involve Drinking?: Pre-college reading.

February:

1. Some Times You've Thought About Death: Who doesn't? These musings stick with you. 

March:

1. Why Your Work Disappoints You: Great thought behind Ira Glass's important thoughts on the gap between work and taste that can be listened to here
2. What the Frack is Fracking?: I wanted to know more about the process of fracking and its effects on the environment

1. A Universe-Wide Mandate: On The Quality Of Lyrics Websites: Amazing satire and highly relevant.

April:

1. 20 Signs You're Sleep Deprived: A bit of light reading before college begins.
2. Pinterest Is About Your Current And Future Self: So true. What else makes 16 year old girls start planning their barn weddings?
3. The 10 Commandments Of The American Religion: Provides a different view of some things Americans hold sacred and is backed up by provocative statistics.

May:

1. So I’m A Teacher Now…: A different perspective from a new teacher, but needed and eye-opening.
2. Why The Arrested Development Of Its Critics Arrests The Development Of ‘Arrested Development’: A response to everyone complaining that the new style of the 4th season AD episodes was odd. At least there's a 4th season, jeez!

June:

1. 19 Quotes For Your Existential Crisis: Always handy. I'm almost 19 for goodness sakes!

July:

1. Maybe You Don’t Deserve To Be Happy: Everyone needs to think about whether they actually deserve happiness. 
2. 24 Books You’ve Probably Never Heard Of But Will Change Your Life: I always need a new list of books to tackle and these often forgotten gems seem great. 

August:

1. There’s A Lot More To Reading Than Just Reading: Cheesy, not as well-written as some of the other articles on this list, but it makes me happy because I know how the writer feels.

September:

1. How to Keep A Library Of (Physical) Books: Perfect timing as this month was when I began cultivating my personal library. Also, it justifies that $72 I spent in one trip at a used bookstore in Lincoln Square.
2. Everything I Learned In College Was A Lie: Funny, but relevant especially to Liberal Arts students.
3. Warning: This Video Of Joseph-Gordon Levitt Will Give You A Sexual Heart Attack: No shame.
4. 35 Breathtaking Photos That Will Make You Fall In Love With Chicago: I love saying that I live in this city now. 35 more reasons to add to the list.

October:

1. 22 Things You Need To Realize While You Still Have The Chance To Change Them: These are basically The Golden Rule, expanded and for teenagers to centenarians.
2. 29 Awesome Modern Romantic Comedies That Don’t Insult Your Intelligence: I need something to tell me what to watch when I have an emotional 2 AM Twizzler binge that is somewhat satisfying.
3. The Complete Guide For Traveling In New England: I wanted to go to school in New England, of course I'm going to have this on my list.
4. What It Means To Be A Critic: After becoming friends with a handful of film majors, I've come to really enjoy the critical analysis of film. This is a sort of critic-ception: how do we critique critics and why?
5. Do It Girl, Make The Move!: The feel-good article for the month. Girl power attitude replenished.
6. College? It’s The Best Years Of Your Life, Right?: This helped ease the "Why am I feeling so awful?" fears I was having at the time. 
7. The 5 Best Surprise Rolling Stone Articles: I get Rolling Stone in the mail. It's usually a crapshoot writing-wise. These are highly informative. Read them!
8. 17 Photos That Prove That Marlon Brando Was The Hottest Person In The History Of Hot People: Even though my first foray into Brando-ville was Apocalypse Now, I recently watched On the Waterfront and I got butterflies. 
9. 23 Terrible Movies So Bad You Absolutely Have To Watch Them: Must have for movie nights.
10. The Only True Happiness Is What We Share When We’re Most Uncool: Awesome. 

November:

1. 7 Famous Thinkers, Presented As Doge: Doge gets me every time, so I love the intellectual spin on it.
2. 9 Mind-Expanding Books Of Philosophy That Are Actually Readable (A Guide To Practical Philosophy): Since I probably won't get to take a non-education related philosophy course (wooo Ed majors), I want to read more philosophy outside of class that is actually digestible without a professor
3. The 30 Most Epic Zingers From Famous People Throughout History: The nerd within me laughs.

December:

1. The Lost Art Of The Mix CD: I love making people mix CDs, so of course I find myself liking this piece.
2. If You Were A Sentence Written In The English Language: Another cheesy one, but it makes me grin like an idiot. 
3. Cancer Has A Way Of Deleting Everything You Could Say: The connection to this is strong. 
4. What Writer's Block Would Look Like If It Were Described on WebMD: Now that I've started to write more, this describes my evenings completely.
5. What You Should Do the Next Time You Hate-Read Something Online: A message to everyone that complains about BuzzFeed.
6. 15 Reasons Why Everyone Should Read More: Friendly reminder that reading makes you a better person in all categories.
7. The Notecard System: The Key for Remembering, Organizing, and Using Everything You Read: Perfect article for my New Year's resolution to keep my notes more organized.
8. My Interview With The World's Youngest Ibogaine Provider: Fascinating article about a controversial new drug that interrupts opiate addiction.